1 00:00:03,860 --> 00:00:04,890 - Morning! - Agh! 2 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:11,830 What are you doing? Feels like you're giving me a heart attack. 3 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:13,990 Don't worry. 4 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,230 - Get off. - All right, sorry. 5 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,880 You looked so weird, I thought I'd better try and help. 6 00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:24,080 You normally only do a heart massage if the patient is unconscious. 7 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,310 Anyway, what you doing here at 6.47... 8 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,550 .. and 18 seconds? 9 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:30,150 You promise you won't tell anyone? 10 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,070 I can't promise that, no. It would be entirely unprofessional. 11 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,790 OK, well, just not Denise then. 12 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:37,990 I stayed on late last night trying to track the files. 13 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,030 The missing ones that should've been digitized. 14 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,310 I know you all blame me. 15 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,430 No. No, no, everyone, speaks very highly of you. 16 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:48,480 Well, anyway, it got really late, so I went to sleep. 17 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,710 - Please don't... - Oh! - You OK? Feeling faint again? 18 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,760 I'm presuming you don't carry a tooth brush, or tooth paste? 19 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,950 I suggest you head to the chemist and get some. 20 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,720 Maybe pick up some deodorant while you're there. 21 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:09,270 I can't find my other shoe. 22 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:10,790 Puppy's basket? 23 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,190 - Checked. - Under the bed? 24 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,590 - Checked. - Wardrobe? 25 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,990 - Haven't checked. - Right, we'll look for that in a minute, OK? 26 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:16,970 Have some fruit. 27 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,510 Mum, the dog pooed on my coat again! 28 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:21,670 Wear your old coat. 29 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,550 That is SO last season! 30 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,310 Oh, what a terrible choice... 31 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,070 Coat with poo looks nice, coat without poo -- ooh! -- not fashionable. 32 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,070 Get some fruit, all right? It's nearly time to go. 33 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,950 Ooh, that's my boss. 34 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,470 - 'Good morning. - Morning. So, Mrs Donnelly... 35 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:39,190 - Ms Donnelly. - Sorry, Ms Donnelly. 36 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:40,550 With Brexit... 37 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:45,390 Morning! 38 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,350 Morning, Al. Fancy a coffee? 39 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,710 How are your powers of observation, Nat? 40 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,910 And how's the hunt for the missing files going on? 41 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,670 They're not on top of your head, are they? 42 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,630 Oh, I'll go and put the kettle on. 43 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,150 And how are you powers of observation, Al? 44 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,910 You tell her. 45 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,310 I don't want to be attacked by Mimi for looking at a woman 46 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,030 from the neck down. 47 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,390 Fucking hell and massive bollocks. 48 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,710 Has anyone seen Sunshine TV this morning? 49 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,510 Or as I like to call it, Shitshine. 50 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:21,270 Denise was on talking about the effects of Brexit on the social care budget. 51 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,230 Oh, no. That's not good for morning TV, 52 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,630 it'll put everyone back to sleep. 53 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,630 No, well, they asked her about abuse at the local football club 54 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:28,990 and she just froze. 55 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:31,750 Oh, well, that's not like the cold-hearted old witch. 56 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,150 Hey, now, come on, now. That's not very nice. 57 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,650 I wouldn't say she was old. 58 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,350 Nat, where's your skirt? 59 00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:41,400 Agh! I forgot to put it on! 60 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,310 Oh, no, everyone's seen my knick-knocks! Ohhh! 61 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:49,110 Not really fair to blindside Denise like that. 62 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,230 First we heard about that case was when that bloke came in a few weeks ago, 63 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,670 none of the staff that he accused are still working there, 64 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:55,790 so it's a police matter. 65 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:59,790 That said, let's have a look at the Boudicca of suburbia's brain freeze 66 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,110 before she gets here... 67 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:03,950 There we are. 68 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,190 Here we go. Oh! 69 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,470 'A case has resurfaced in the last week, 70 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,390 a historic abuse case at the local football club. 71 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,230 - Sorry? - Er, Elm Heath Strollers. 72 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,430 I understand you had a complaint about this in the '80s. 73 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,270 This isn't going to look suspicious at all, is it, if Denise arrives? 74 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,510 Tell you what, Mimi, you keep a lookout, OK? 75 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,190 If she arrives, keep her talking. 76 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:25,190 Yes, Rose, I don't think that's a very appropriate task for... 77 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:26,510 Oh, there she is! 78 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,190 The alleged victim has come to us with information. 79 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,350 She's coming. 80 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:31,830 Go on, then, Mimi. Go on! 81 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,030 .. historic abuse would be dealt with by police and not by... 82 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,350 - Now it sounds like you're passing the buck. - Eh... 83 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,150 Good gracious! 84 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,870 - Ms Donnelly? - Come on, crank it up, old girl. 85 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,150 Oh... 86 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,110 I think that's what we call brain freeze. 87 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:52,160 Ohhhhh! 88 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,990 Denise, we need to fight toilet tyranny. 89 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,190 What are you going on about? 90 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,270 The toilets, they need to be torn down and replaced with gender-fluid, 91 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,790 - non-binary, intersex, androgynous... - I can't hear myself think! 92 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,840 Just piss off. 93 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,750 - Morning... Morning, Denise. - Morning, Denise! 94 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,150 Strategy meeting in five. 95 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,390 Buckling under the pressure of celebrity a little early, I think. 96 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,270 You all right? 97 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,470 Yes... 98 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:18,950 I'm fine, I suppose, but... 99 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,830 They look like lovers. 100 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,670 Maybe you're reading too much chick-lit. 101 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,350 Chocolate? Who said chocolate? I haven't had any breakfast. 102 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,190 Chick-lit. Oh, that reminds me, 103 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,950 I've got an interview later at the university library. 104 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,430 So, will you cover for me, please? Thank you. 105 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,750 You can't work in a university library. 106 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,110 - Why not? - Well, cos you'll get mistaken for some creepy, 107 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:41,190 mature sociology student. 108 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,590 You'll get chucked out for harassing the freshers. 109 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,310 What is chick-lit? 110 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:49,030 It is modern romantic fiction, you silly arse. 111 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,470 Well, forgive me for not being interested in the literary fantasies 112 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,150 of desperate, middle-aged women. 113 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,950 So what's on your bedside table -- a foot pump for your blow-up friend? 114 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,950 The police stopped me, they said the baby needs to be in a car seat. 115 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,830 - How old is the baby? - He's six months old. 116 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,670 I said, "He's in a car, in a seat, 117 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,030 "he's not rolling around in the fucking boot!" 118 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,550 Right, Alastair, what is happening with the Haimes family? 119 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,750 I saw on the log that you got a call earlier. 120 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,390 There's a huge amount of concern about the four-year-old, Carter, 121 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,350 who's on the child protection register. 122 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,270 We all know the father is a violent criminal who comes and goes. 123 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:27,320 Nat... You put "a well-known VIOLET criminal", Nat. 124 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:32,480 There's a fear that Carter has been left alone since yesterday. 125 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,590 Or if Animal, the dad, is there at the moment... 126 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,350 Not like Amimal from the Muppets? 127 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,590 Not... It's not like the Muppets, no. 128 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,510 It's a totally different Animal. 129 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:45,350 Don't put Muppets in the minutes, Nat. 130 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,510 I'm going over there and I... 131 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,670 .. I have coordinated the visit and done all the safety 132 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,310 and achievability stuff with the plod, so... 133 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,590 So professional, right up to the last word. 134 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,550 - Would you like me to go, Al? - Go where? 135 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,110 - Could think of a few places. - With you, to the assignment. 136 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,670 Because I've got a meeting with Zach nearby, and I thought with my police experience... 137 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,910 Thanks, but I've got a little more experience than you. 138 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,190 I can probably manage. 139 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,910 You stick with Zach, you can cope with that, can't you? 140 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,630 - Lunch? - How about a candlelit dinner for two somewhere? 141 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:16,680 Tete-a-tete, then back to Al's place for a... jigsaw. 142 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,910 Cos we're in the same area, so... 143 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,950 .. we could just grab a coffee, or... 144 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,390 Dignity, Nitin. Face it, he's just not that into you. 145 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:26,750 Children, please! 146 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:30,800 Rose, we'd all very much like to hear about how you are getting on. 147 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,470 Are you going to court later today? 148 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,510 - No, why? - Your clothes haven't got any food on them. 149 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,150 It's a rare sight. 150 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,990 Now, how are the Wilton clan progressing since we found out a little bit more 151 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,790 - about Jen Wilton and her new boyfriend that she met online? - I'm sorry, I didn't... 152 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:51,190 Oh, Rose, please do not tell me that you're not up to date with your own cases. 153 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,310 Give her a break, we all have brain freeze from time to time. 154 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:58,360 I beg your pardon, Alastair? 155 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:03,040 I'm just saying, that Green Party leader, Natalie Bennett, she had it on the radio when she... 156 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,710 Yeah. That was funny, wasn't it, 157 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,760 cos she goes on about global warming and yet her brain froze. 158 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,950 Are you talking about me on Sunshine this morning? 159 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,070 Sunshine? What's Sunshine? 160 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,750 I don't know what you're talking about, I listen to Radio 4. 161 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,470 Anyone? 162 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,870 Dunno. 163 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,990 Yeah, actually, Rose came in and told everyone about it. 164 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,910 Hang on a minute! 165 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,150 - Well, you did, so... - Can I speak to you outside, please, Rose? 166 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:30,830 - Martin, take over. - Thanks. 167 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,350 Um, OK. Er, right. 168 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,590 Oh, I forgot, Ingrid's calling in on Skype. 169 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,190 Ah, yes, yes. 170 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:37,710 Hello, hello, Ingrid. 171 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,870 I just wanted to apologise for not getting into work this morning. 172 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,790 Limahl's been school-refusing. 173 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,630 Well, I'm sorry to hear that. 174 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:48,680 Yes, sorry, yes. The Cafferty child turned up drunk at school again today. 175 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,190 Erm, they had a call, er, and also, they found a bottle of vodka... 176 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:57,600 .. in his bag. And he threw up on the, on-on-on the PE teacher. 177 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,790 Guys... Guys, can we, can we focus? 178 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,950 - Fuck! This table's gone to fucking... - Limahl! 179 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:06,000 Right, OK... Ingrid, can you just send it in an e-mail? 180 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,270 Send it in... Send it in an e-mail. 181 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,350 Just... 182 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,590 Guys, we... 183 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,550 You behave like a child. 184 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:17,590 You couldn't wait to come in here and take the piss out of me 185 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,710 before I've even had a chance to explain what was going on. 186 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:21,990 Look, I'm sorry, 187 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:26,040 but it looked like you just couldn't explain what was going on. 188 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:29,030 We've all head those head-melting moments. 189 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,080 Oh, so you're subscribing to the brain-freeze theory, are you? 190 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:37,310 - Ish. - Well, thank you very much for your support. 191 00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:40,530 All right... 192 00:08:40,580 --> 00:08:41,870 Children's Services. 193 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,590 Hello? My partner and I would like to adopt a baby... 194 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:48,640 Yeah, but not an ugly one. 195 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,710 Hello! Carter? 196 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,510 You in there? 197 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:56,560 Carter, can you open the door? 198 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,870 Oh, God. Carter, that's dangerous! 199 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,150 Carter, you need to put that down. 200 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,110 You'll cut yourself. 201 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:10,630 Shit. 202 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,680 Oh, Jesus, where's Plod? 203 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,350 Have you spoken to your wife? 204 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:22,400 Er, yeah. Er, we're talking and no longer texting in caps. 205 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,480 And she's seeing the GP for that thing she's got, you know? 206 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,230 Postnatal depression. 207 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,910 Mm-hm, yeah, that thing. 208 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,960 Um, she's been told to rest a bit and do a course of CDT. 209 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,550 Craft design technology? 210 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:44,350 No, not that. That's something they used to give the thick kids to do at school. 211 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,070 - And you're drinking? - I've cut right down. 212 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,670 I don't start till he's asleep 213 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,710 and I don't have more than a bottle a night. 214 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,910 That's, you know, I'm pretty rigid on that. 215 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,070 One bottle, beer. 216 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,390 Wine. 217 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,430 - One bottle of wine is a lot. - Bollocks. 218 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:00,990 I can have two before it affects me. 219 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,910 Look, you can't be drinking that much alcohol around the baby. 220 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,310 He's asleep. If he wakes at night, I will have had a few, but it's fine. 221 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,190 I don't sleep through his crying or anything. 222 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,470 Well, I might do. I wouldn't know. I don't think I do. 223 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,270 No, cos I wake up. It's fine. It's fine. 224 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,190 On top of all this, you seem quite depressed. 225 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,590 Er, do you think that's got anything to do with the fact you're in my house? 226 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,750 Being happy is, like, it's not the natural state anyway, is it? 227 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,390 - And people who are happy all the time are just fucking irritating, ain't they? - Yeah. 228 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,230 They're the mad ones. You know, you have good days and bad years. 229 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,430 Ugh... Your head stinks of Monster Munch. 230 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,470 Fucking pickled onion or something! 231 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:03,520 Ugh! 232 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:11,950 Carter? 233 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,430 Carter, put the knife down. 234 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,550 I think a nanny would help if it would give Sophie a break. 235 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,870 Yeah, but she feels guilty about a nanny. 236 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:22,310 Feels like it's giving up, and I have problems with nannies because 237 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,870 mine used to hit me with a carpet beater. 238 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,070 - What? - I know, it was horrific, I don't want to... 239 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,830 No, what's a carpet beater? 240 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,510 Oh, it's like a big woven thing. 241 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:34,270 Like a big fly swatter that you beat carpets with. 242 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,630 Wow. 243 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:37,790 OK, is she still alive? 244 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,190 Because you could bring a case against her for cruelty. 245 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:41,750 Yeah, but it's complicated. 246 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:45,800 She's married to my dad now. 247 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,510 OK. Can I use your loo before I go? 248 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,230 Yeah, if you have to. Sure. 249 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:56,280 Top of the stairs. Flush twice, though. 250 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:14,310 Shit. 251 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:18,190 Hello. 252 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,670 Hello. 253 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,790 - And you need to start paying for it. - OK. Yeah. 254 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,670 You've got a job now and I'm sick of your excuses. 255 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,070 - I'm sorry, Mum. - Pay the rent, so you need to get it to me. 256 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,070 Yes, I realise. I owe you rent. 257 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,270 You'll have it, I promise. 258 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:38,070 Typical. Where's the fucking social worker? 259 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:41,990 Late as usual. Do we know if there's anyone else in there apart from the 260 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,910 - ankle-biter? - Don't know. 261 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,070 But I checked the address, and Animal Haimes lives here. 262 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,670 Shit! 263 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:49,870 Be careful, then. 264 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,280 Can't see a bloody thing. 265 00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:56,270 Police! 266 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,110 Get away from me! 267 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,710 Don't run away. No, come back... 268 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,230 - Stop there! - No... - Taser, Taser, Taser! 269 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,870 - You're being Tasered! - Ohhhh! 270 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,390 - Ohhhh! - Hey, hey! 271 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,950 - What is going on, guys? - Ohhhh! 272 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,550 - That groaning body on the floor is a social worker. - Ohhhh! 273 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,830 - Well, I didn't know. - Take your finger off the trigger. 274 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,040 - Stop electrocuting him! - Ohhhh! 275 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:21,320 Ah! 276 00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:38,340 Hi. I work here. Can I help you? 277 00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:42,780 Got an informal interview with Claudia, uh... 278 00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:49,530 - .. a stupid name. - Funnel? - Yeah, that's it! 279 00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:53,290 Hi, I'm Claudia Funnel. 280 00:13:53,340 --> 00:13:57,340 - Bad start. - I think you already started badly. 281 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:01,650 Let me help you out. I can see you're upset about this. 282 00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:05,050 Honestly, I couldn't, really. In a weird way, it's patronising, 283 00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:07,330 even though it would be right, I think, because 284 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,530 as a white male you are the ultimate oppressor. 285 00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:11,250 It feels unprofessional, 286 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:13,850 - despite me not having an actual job here. - Mimi... 287 00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:17,900 .. my kids aren't around at the moment, and I miss helping them out. 288 00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:22,300 So, please, let me do this for you just the once. 289 00:14:24,460 --> 00:14:27,290 Well, OK, thanks so much, Martin. 290 00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:31,210 - How much? - �350 a month. 291 00:14:31,260 --> 00:14:34,850 Crikey. I'm out of touch. 292 00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,930 OK, well, uh, there's... there's �100. I'll... 293 00:14:37,980 --> 00:14:41,980 I'll give you the rest first thing tomorrow morning. 294 00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:51,650 - All right, Nat? - For you. - What do you mean? 295 00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:54,170 Well, you seemed to be crying a lot and now you're not. 296 00:14:54,220 --> 00:14:56,530 I was crying because of the continuing ascendancy 297 00:14:56,580 --> 00:14:59,650 of the patriarchy being an anathema to my life. 298 00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:03,700 Yeah, that really pisses me off too. 299 00:15:05,620 --> 00:15:07,730 Well, I'm glad the interview was shit, because 300 00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:10,610 - I don't want you to leave! - Oh, I'm just sick of all the grimness. 301 00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:13,250 I mean, look at today! I do my job. All the thanks I get is to be 302 00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:16,250 electrocuted and now Animal Hames is going to be after me 303 00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,450 for taking his kid into care. 304 00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,450 Why do you look like such a twat today, anyway? 305 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:25,500 - Define "twat". - Sort of drag-queen dinner-lady look. 306 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:29,010 Yeah, huh! '70s footballer! 307 00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:31,170 Oh, my God. You've got a date! 308 00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:36,220 - Who is it? Poor bastard! - Well... Denise... 309 00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:38,890 Denise? What's going on? 310 00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:42,810 - No, Denise has got a brother, and it's him. - Oh. 311 00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:46,850 Oh, that's weird. What's he like, then? Denise in slacks? 312 00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:49,870 Sort of paramilitary wing of the Citizens Advice Bureau? 313 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:50,920 Hang on a minute. 314 00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:58,700 - Hello, Daga. - Your mum just... - She did what? Oh, God... 315 00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:01,690 All right, I'll be there as soon I can. OK, bye. 316 00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:04,050 Thank you. Bye. 317 00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:07,530 My mum's hit the occupational therapist with a painting. 318 00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:10,410 Oh, dear. I hope they're not going to chuck her out. 319 00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:14,370 Well, that's what I'm worried about. I mean, I can't have her back. 320 00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:16,650 You, uh, you going out tonight? 321 00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:19,730 I doubt it. I feel like I've been hit by a truck! 322 00:16:19,780 --> 00:16:21,690 Oh! 323 00:16:21,740 --> 00:16:25,740 Sorry, Al. 324 00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,330 Are you all right? 325 00:16:31,980 --> 00:16:33,530 All right, OK. 326 00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:36,610 So how's things? 327 00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:40,250 Fine all the days people don't tell me to go back to Poland or Estonia 328 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:44,290 - or Russia. Or Esperanto the other day. - Sorry to hear that. 329 00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:47,610 I wish the Brexiteers would exit to the four corners. 330 00:16:47,660 --> 00:16:50,250 So how's my mum been, apart from the incident? 331 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:54,300 Well, she's been quite destructive and angry. 332 00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:56,970 That's why she's having her meals in her room at the moment. 333 00:16:57,020 --> 00:16:59,450 She starts a lot of arguments otherwise. 334 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,470 What?! 335 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,970 Oh, what do you want now? Oh... 336 00:17:04,020 --> 00:17:07,010 Hello, Mum. How are you? 337 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:10,970 - Nice dinner? - Why don't you try some? 338 00:17:12,220 --> 00:17:14,330 - What did you do that for? - Felt like it. 339 00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:17,450 - Shit, I'm supposed to be going out later. - Fuck off, then! 340 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,490 Why don't you fuck off yourself?! 341 00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:23,540 - Don't! - Oh, I'm sorry. I really shouldn't talk to my mum like that. 342 00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:29,100 Well, we all want to. 343 00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:32,570 School policy says no smacking, so I gave Oliver a Chinese burn! 344 00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:35,610 - Is that all right? - Well, I would have some concerns about that, 345 00:17:35,660 --> 00:17:38,410 - actually, yes, sir. - Oh, what, because I said Chinese? - Look, Mason, 346 00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:40,250 there's something I need to say to you. 347 00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:43,610 Prepare for bollocking, prepare for bollocking. 348 00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:46,210 - Thanks. - Pardon? 349 00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:49,290 - Thanks. - Yes, uh, well... 350 00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:53,130 - Yeah, so fancy you pitching up in the nick of time. - Mmm. 351 00:17:53,180 --> 00:17:55,250 Like Batman. 352 00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:58,770 Anyway, I owe you one. 353 00:17:58,820 --> 00:18:01,370 Well, actually, Al... 354 00:18:01,420 --> 00:18:04,290 Are you... busy tonight? 355 00:18:04,340 --> 00:18:07,090 - Oh, that was quick. You're asking me out? - Yeah, very funny. 356 00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:10,090 I mean, I am actually meeting someone, but, I mean, I've met her 357 00:18:10,140 --> 00:18:12,770 a couple of times, but her sister is in town, staying with her, 358 00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:16,170 - so I thought, maybe... - That I'd like to go on a blind date? 359 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,370 Well, you know. 360 00:18:18,420 --> 00:18:21,690 - Actually, why not? I could do with a drink. - Yeah? Great. 361 00:18:21,740 --> 00:18:24,130 Animal Hames is on the warpath, so I don't want to go 362 00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:26,890 - on my own, anyway. - Oh, of course you don't. 363 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,570 - Where are you going? - Oh, just the usual spot. 364 00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:32,210 Let's go to Scenarios. 365 00:18:32,260 --> 00:18:34,690 - Scenarios, the worst place on earth. - Scenarios is great! 366 00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:36,890 It's the worst-case scenario, is what that place is. 367 00:18:36,940 --> 00:18:39,130 Oh, come on, you had such a good time there last time. 368 00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:43,180 Yes, I got beaten up. 369 00:18:54,340 --> 00:18:58,340 Oh, there she is. I didn't see you come in. Head for the toilet, eh? 370 00:19:00,060 --> 00:19:02,690 - Do you live in there? - I've been in there awhile. 371 00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:06,740 - I, um, I had a slight issue. - Oh, dicky tummy? 372 00:19:06,940 --> 00:19:09,850 - Oh, little bit of up-squirt. - Oh, I'm not that clever. 373 00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:15,410 No, the truth is that I went to visit my mum, and she chucked 374 00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:19,090 - her dinner at me. - Ah, well, good shot. - Well, easy target. 375 00:19:19,140 --> 00:19:22,130 I mean, it was disgusting. It looked like gristly stew thing, 376 00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:25,250 not even nice enough to lick off, so, anyway, horrible. 377 00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:27,130 What can I get you to drink? 378 00:19:27,180 --> 00:19:30,410 Um, vodka and lime, please. Can you make it a large one? 379 00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:34,460 - OK. A large vodka and lime, please. - Yes, sir. 380 00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:38,290 Oh, shit, fuck! 381 00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:41,370 - Hiya. - Hi, are you OK? - Yeah, I'm good, thank you. 382 00:19:41,420 --> 00:19:45,420 - Oh, this is my sister, Lauren. - This is Al, a colleague from work. 383 00:19:46,900 --> 00:19:50,690 - So, this is a social worker uniform, is it? - Well, it's slightly dictated 384 00:19:50,740 --> 00:19:52,650 by our economic bracket. 385 00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,410 - By what? - How much money we get paid. 386 00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:58,130 - Oh, right. Is it not a lot? - Also it's practicality. 387 00:19:58,180 --> 00:20:01,730 Yeah. Do you not, like, need to be, like, out saving kids or something? 388 00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:03,850 - We've done that today, haven't we? - We have. 389 00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:05,530 OK, that's enough kids saved, is it? 390 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,250 I don't know what constitutes enough. 391 00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:10,090 - I've saved one today. - That's really cool, that's really great! - Yeah. 392 00:20:10,140 --> 00:20:12,450 You know that everyone thinks social workers are useless. 393 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:16,130 Just ignore her. She thinks that Joseph Stalin is a good man. 394 00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:19,130 - He did some good things for the trains. - I really disagree. 395 00:20:19,180 --> 00:20:21,730 He was good. OK, I think I've things to do. 396 00:20:21,780 --> 00:20:24,970 - Shame. - This is all I need after a shit day. 397 00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:28,810 - I don't know. She's gorgeous, though. - Is that your only criteria? 398 00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:32,860 No, they have to be clean as well. 399 00:20:33,980 --> 00:20:36,970 - You expecting an earthquake? - I'm just trying to hide from 400 00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:39,970 - two of my colleagues. They'll take the piss. - Why, cos you're on a date 401 00:20:40,020 --> 00:20:44,020 - with such a minger? - I believe that word passed out of common parlance 402 00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:46,730 probably around about the 18th century. 403 00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:49,810 It's a pity. I've only just got my head round it. 404 00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:53,530 - So, you've been married before, you minger? - Well, I'm a very recently 405 00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:57,580 divorced gentleman with an invisible "slap me down" tattoo 406 00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:01,940 - written across my forehead. - You're just what I'm looking for. Cheers. 407 00:21:02,140 --> 00:21:04,010 - Have I passed the test? - You have. 408 00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:06,090 There's a chubby woman on the floor over there. 409 00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:08,810 I don't know if she's pissed or not. She's just on the floor. 410 00:21:08,860 --> 00:21:12,250 I mean, oh... I hate fat people! Waddling into AandE, being like, 411 00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:15,010 "Oh, my joints hurt!" And they've eaten like twice 412 00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:17,330 their body weight in, like, Haribo for breakfast. 413 00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:20,050 I don't even think the NHS should treat them. You know, I think 414 00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:23,490 - they brought it on themselves. - They're disgusting? - Thank you. - Right. 415 00:21:23,540 --> 00:21:26,250 Can we go? I just can't face them tonight. 416 00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:28,290 They're such massive piss-takers! 417 00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:29,450 I just don't want to 418 00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:33,500 spend the night parrying the blows from my work colleagues! 419 00:21:33,780 --> 00:21:36,410 - You need to stop talking about fat people all the time. - Why? 420 00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:39,890 You all right, Nitin? You seem to have metamorphosed into Katie Hopkins. 421 00:21:39,940 --> 00:21:42,410 Uh, don't ever tell Rose I said something like that. 422 00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:45,970 - She'll kill me. - I'll kill you for bringing me on a date with a UKIP pin-up. 423 00:21:46,020 --> 00:21:47,650 I'm going out for a fag. 424 00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:48,890 I mean, Al's the worst. 425 00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:51,810 He's going to take the piss out of me for ever over this. 426 00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:55,860 - Hey, Rose. - Bugger. - Dennis, I presume? 427 00:21:56,340 --> 00:21:59,850 Nice to meet you. 428 00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:03,570 Oh, shit. Animal Hames has just spotted you. Run, run, run! 429 00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:06,690 Very funny. Rose is pretending there's a gangster behind me 430 00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:09,650 because she's determined not to let me meet you properly. 431 00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:13,700 - Oh! - You fucking piece of shit! I'll kill you! Where's Carter?! 432 00:22:18,940 --> 00:22:22,810 Thanks, buddy! You just knocked out Animal Hames. 433 00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:25,410 I should introduce you to my ex-husband. 434 00:22:25,460 --> 00:22:27,610 We should probably go before he comes round. 435 00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:30,210 - If he does, I'll just hit him again. - You know, I didn't even hit him 436 00:22:30,260 --> 00:22:33,410 and I'm thinking about living under an assumed name. 437 00:22:33,460 --> 00:22:35,810 I've got to go. There's a family crisis. 438 00:22:35,860 --> 00:22:39,090 - Denise? - Yeah, she's having trouble with a very persistent stalker. 439 00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:41,410 Oh, so you're going to go and help sort him out? 440 00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:45,290 - Yeah. Her. Got to rush. See ya! - What was that? 441 00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:49,170 - Did he just say "her"? - I heard "her". Should we go 442 00:22:49,220 --> 00:22:51,770 and get a vodka and lime at another establishment, chubby? 443 00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:54,250 - Beg your pardon? - I'll tell you about it on the way. 444 00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:58,090 - What about your date? - I'll pass. She's marginally to the right 445 00:22:58,140 --> 00:22:59,370 - of the Hitler Youth. - Mm. 446 00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:01,930 How can you hate social workers? He looks really nice! 447 00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:04,130 No, look at him! Look, he's wearing anorak! 448 00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:08,180 ? People, they ain't no good 449 00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:13,900 ? I think that's well understood 450 00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:21,100 ? You can see it everywhere you look 451 00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:27,500 ? People just ain't no good at all. ? 452 00:23:27,550 --> 00:23:32,100 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0